Friday, March 14, 2008
SQUELCH! Press Release
SQUELCH! Political Party
PRESS RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: FRIDAY, MARCH 14, 2008
Berkeley, CA –-Today the SQUELCH Political Party announced its 2008-2009 ASUC executive slate. The party couldn't decide which way to make the announcement, but they did construct this list of the 10 best ways:
SQUELCH! Top 10 Best Ways to Announce Your Executive Slate
1. Once in a while, something so important happens that the entire world shuts down to watch it play out. The JFK assassination, man walking on the moon, the Berlin wall coming down, 9/11, and now, the announcement of the 2008 SQUELCH! executive slate.
2. Hi, we're the SQUELCH! Party and we promise not to walk you to class, EVER.
3. I mean, some people choose not to vote SQUELCH!, and some people turn up face down in strawberry creek; we’re not saying there’s a correlation or anything.
4. Barack Obama*, Hillary Clinton*, John McCain*, and Ralph Nader* all endorse us. If you don't vote for us, you’re voting against America.
5. Last year, SQUELCH! candidates committed themselves to overhauling the ASUC with their "5 steps to change" platform. With ASUC elections right around the corner, it is clear that we have delivered on their message of change, and we have the fliers to prove it.
6. We order high priced prostitutes on a regular basis. Have a problem with that? Don't vote for us. There's no way we're going to fucking resign.
7. We're going to climb that tree and we're not coming down until you vote for us!
8. Beer, money for student groups, free speech. These are all things we like. In that order.
9. This year the SQUELCH! Party has a full slate of executive candidates. But that's only because it costs $10 to run a single candidate, but you get 5 for $49.95. It’s a deal that we couldn't afford to miss.
10. The following people, listed below, are not running with Student Action or with CalSERVE.
SQUELCH! Political Party
Oh yeah, before we forget, here is the SQUELCH executive slate for 2008:
Running for President and weighing in at 457 pounds, Fred "Ladies get in Line" Taylor - Hochberg.
Running for Executive Vice President, the only person to climb Mount Everest in the nude: Chad "Superman dat Senate" Kunert.
Running for External Affairs Vice President, the person who will bring change, experience, and 20+ years of emotional damage, Joe "Bag of Goodies" Rothberg
Running for Academic Affairs VP, the person who discovered the cure for gingivitis, David "Ron Paul" Hollingsworth
Running for Student Advocate, a strapping young lad you won’t be that embarrassed to bring home to meet your parents, Andy “8===D” Morris.
SQUELCH! Political Party
The SQUELCH! Political Party was founded in 1998 by the three drunkest student leaders on campus. In their belligerent fury, they decided to break with the two-party system that had been established in the ASUC and form a quasi-terrorist, third political party, in order to look after the long forgotten smaller student groups, who so often get screwed in the budgetary process. SQUELCH! Is here to take your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and make sure that none of you get screwed over by the ASUC.
*Titles for Identification Purposes only :)
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